I have never been the fit, skinny, healthy sized girl, since a child I was known as the chubby, then big boned girl.
I always felt like the fat chick, and hid behind clothes and my personality to diffuse my size. Let's be real, now I know I wasn't hiding anything, but whatever got me through the day then is what I did.
I did every diet imaginable, lots of years of up and down yo yo diets, got married at 23 to a super great guy who has loved me at every size, from a big 14 to a healthy 4.
I gained lots of weight with my 3 pregnancies, always using them as an excuse to eat myself to death.
I suffered mild depression most of my teenage years, and as I became an adult it got a little worse, but it wasn't until I had my 2nd that my emotional health went straight down hill, I suffered from very bad post partum and started having panic/anxiety attacks, I was on medication that numbed me, and I ate to console myself, I binge ate behind closed doors. I hid my eating from everyone, only doing it when no one was around, I would eat until I felt physically sick, which in turn made me emotionally sick.
In 2011, our family was dealing with a lot of stress and I was killing myself slowly with food. I was under extreme anxiety and depression and new I had two options, well, maybe 3, I could either go back on numbing medication (which don't get me wrong, it helped and does help and I am in no way saying that if you need it that you shouldn't take it) this is my story and I'm just telling it like it went. So, I could either go back on the meds, or do nothing and die slowly, or I could take control of my situation and try to change it. I chose option 3, it was the only one that made sense, the only one that would benefit my family, the only one I had not tried yet. EVER.
I figured what have I got to lose at this point, nothing really, I was at my lowest point, and my highest weight.
I worked with a coach to help me figure out how to eat, I had no control over this.
I started reading self help positive books, I began with The Secret, that book, changed my life, not all at once, and not the first time I read it, but over time, I still read it now, I pick it up and just open it randomly and take that lesson with me for the day. I new nothing but negative thinking and being, so it was a long process to change that. I still work on it everyday.
Changing my lifestyle, eating better foods, exercising regularly, mostly weight training, focusing on my emotional and spiritual healing has turned my life around. I am a happier me, that will run and play with the kids instead of hiding in the background and watching, I am more confident, have more self esteem and love life again, I know the power of positivity, it is incredible. I don't pretend that life is always rainbows and unicorns because it is not, life throws us curveballs and some days suck, and I sit with a jar of nutella and a spoon, or I grab a handful of cookies, or I cry and yell and hate, but these things are ok, life is a journey, it's about not feeling guilty when we hit those curves, it's about accepting them for what they are, getting up, dusting off, and moving forward.
Right now, I have been handed a curveball, I was in a car accident a week ago, that has left me with back and neck pain, and with a broken wrist. I had big plans and goals for my 40th year, some of those have now been set to the sidelines, but, I choose 90% of the time, to be grateful, and thankful for the things I can do, that I am here, and that I will heal and reach those goals, maybe not as soon as I expected, but I will, because I believe I will.
Through this journey, I have had people who didn't get it, who thought, think, that I am crazy, or obsessed, at first this hurt me, but as time has gone by, I have learned not to give a shit about what others think, I am doing what is right for my health and the health of my family, and the amount of new supportive people that have come into my life because of these changes, cancel out the negative.
My goal is to help and inspire, as many individuals as I can with my story, to get enough knowledge through my studying where I can help on a more extensive level in the future. My goal is give hope, I know how it feels to be lonely and depressed, to be that person, to feel those feelings, to wish for better, to cry those tears of frustrations and desperation, the wanting to be and do better. I know things can change, I know it is possible, I know it takes time, I know it's not perfect, I know there are bad days, I know we get stuck, I know the feeling of giving up, I know the feeling of not giving up, I know because I lived/live it. This is not about being a size 4. This journey may have started out to save my life from a physical health perspective in my eyes, but it has become and saved me in so many other ways, it has changed my soul, it has brought out my true being, it has opened my eyes to new passions and a happier way to live. It takes patience, we must let ourselves have the time to change, nothing happens over night, we must be kind to ourselves the way we would be kind to a friend who was trying to fulfill a dream, we must believe, believe that we can do it, believe that it's in us, believe that being healthy and happy is our God Given right and that we have every right, to do whatever we need to do to get there.
I wish you love and light, health and wellness.
Be Patient
Be Kind
Believe.