How did I get here?
How did this year become so different from what I had planned?
I know I shouldn't question why things happen, but I can't help it and I feel bad about it.
Turning 40 felt so good, I embraced it and had planned to keep changing my life, I was going to have my second photo shoot and submit my transformation to a couple of my favorite health magazines, I was going to finish my course and get my certification in Fitness Nutrition so I could be a better help to others. I was finally confident to try so many new exciting things that could help others and my family.
Then March 31 happened, that accident changed so much, it has affected me physically and emotionally, it has affected my daughter emotionally and has brought many stressing burdens with it that some days leave me fighting anxiety attacks all day.
Recently we also had the unfortunate news that cancer was now a part of our families reality, I'm doing my best to stay strong and positive but I feel broken and numb.
Saturday I decided to go back to church, it had been a while and I needed to be there.
I went to get dressed, and the very true realization that I have gained back some weight hit me hard. The pants that were in the pile to be taken in but hadn't yet, did not fit....I stood, in belief and disbelief, how, why, and sincerely wtf?
I cried for a minute, kind of unsure exactly what it was I was crying about, squeezed myself into another pair , threw a long shirt over it and went.
I sat in the back, and felt so overwhelmed about so many feelings, I struggled to keep my composure and focused on listening to the priest instead of my emotions. I got in the car when it was over and had an ugly cry, you know the one, with the uncontrollable sobs, and snot...yea that one.
It's very hard to accept all that's transpired these last few months.
I had fought and gained my self confidence and self esteem, I had empowered myself with self love and acceptance, pride and honour.
I have lost a lot of those feelings, almost completely, I feel defeated by circumstances I had no control over and I'm angry and disappointed in myself and these feelings bring up very old memories of how I used to feel a long time ago. I had gotten past that and now they are back.
I struggle with day to day life, everything seems so overwhelming, so hard to do the simplest tasks, anxiety is a horrible lonely disease, only those who have suffered from it know how disabling it can be, but that's like anything else in life, unless you have lived it you can't understand.
So here I am, a royal mess, physical pain, emotional pain and heartache. I have eaten my emotions with cookies, spoonfuls of Nutella and not paid great mind to what I was feeding myself.
Last week, I decided to try, try to take it back to basics, water, and meditation, I didn't do too bad, this week I'm trying to be more conscious of my food choices, it's Tuesday and I'm doing alright, no bags of cookies have been consumed lol.
I stepped on a scale yesterday because it was time to face the music....I have gained 12 lbs, lost muscle and strength, lost my direction in so many avenues.
Life has a funny way of stopping us in our tracks, I'm trying to come to terms, this is my truth right now, but in moments of calm and clarity I know it won't be like this forever.
I don't know when this will get better, all I can do is take each day one moment at a time and allow myself to slowly heal, from the inside out.