I started by not believing I could achieve what I
have.
I never believed that I could be as disciplined as I have
been.
I didn’t realize that I had so much in
me.
I had lost myself, I couldn’t answer the simple question
of what do you like to do.
I didn’t know.
I was a mother and a wife and those were my roles and my
life.
I had lost who Sandi was.
I didn’t know how to set goals, or see far ahead when it
came to myself.
I was a stranger to myself.
I remember being asked on my questionnaire when I signed
up with Jenna, “what are you good at??” hmmmmm I had no idea how to answer that
question, even though I ran a house, kids, worked, and am active in charities.
**shakes my head**
I had no long term crazy goals that I would talk about
out loud to anyone, I had one in my head and heart, but nothing I thought would
be possible so I just kept it to myself. I told anyone that asked that my goal
was just to get into a size 8 and be healthy. That is how much faith I had in
myself.
Fast forward to May 2012, sitting having dinner with my husband and he
turns to me and says he wants to do a Fitness Competition, it was totally out of
left field, but I was instantly on board with anything he had to do, I watched
him train, watched him follow his meal plan to a T, watched him buy all the
stuff he needed and it was amazing to watch his transformation. The day came for
his show, the atmosphere was electrifying, while he was in the back doing his
thing, I was walking around, watching the girls get ready in the bathrooms,
watching their excitement, seeing their beautiful itty bitty bikinis, checking
out their amazing physiques, some were more nervous than others, but they were
all beyond excited. I felt so excited, the show was amazing, my husband amazed
me on stage and came home with 1st place. I sat and watched the show, paying extra attention to the
bikini girls, I had a nervous excited feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I
kept what I was feeling to myself for a few weeks. Then one day I turned to my
husband and asked him if he thought I could do a show, I had come so much
further then I had ever imagined I could, it was a secret dream I had kept to
myself since I had picked up my first Oxygen magazine sooooooo many years ago.
He turned to me and said OF COURSE you can, why can’t you, I got excited and
anxious and decided that I would keep working towards that goal that I had kept
deep inside for so long.
I spoke to my coach about it and she was excited about my
goal. So I worked on it, some days I walked around with the thought in my head
of walking on stage, other days the mere thought made me sick to my stomach LOL.
I knew why I flip flopped with my emotions about it, but
I told no one.
I had avoided looking in my bathroom mirror unless I was
standing up striking a pose.
I knew something that no one else knew and I didn’t want
to admit that it was true, I didn’t want to come to terms that my dream goal was
most likely not going to happen.
I held this secret and avoided it at the same time for so
long, until one day I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore, it was depressing me
and I needed someone to talk to about it, I also needed my coach to know that my
“lack of results” was not due to my not working.
So I took a deep breath, and rolled down the top part of
my yoga pants and put on my sports bra and got into a plank position. I held my
camera right in front of me and took that picture. It took a long time for me to
look at it, when I finally did, I had a full blown anxiety attack and cried for
days, see, my body was not co-operating with me, yes, it had done more than I
ever could have expected of it, it had gone from an unhealthy 165lbs of fat to
120lbs of mostly great muscle. What it had decided not to do was forgive me for
all the years I had neglected it, for all the times I fed it emotionally with
the wrong foods, and sat around instead of getting exercise. Add to that 3
beautiful pregnancies and this body was letting me know that as much as I had
worked, as much as I had changed, as much as I wanted it to change that my
reality was, is, that the skin on my stomach had been stretched one too many
times from all my yo-yo diets. It probably will not ever be as lean as I work
for it to get, I will probably never put on one of those beautiful itty bitty
sparkly bikinis, ultra high clear heels, and strut that stage.
My coach was wonderful, she let me cry, she listened, and
then told me to accept this, and move on and get myself some new
goals.
I told her I was fine, but, I really wasn’t, it took a
few weeks for me to get out of that funk.
It is not so much that I won’t do a show, because really,
I’m not sure I even could if I was able to LOL, it’s the fact, the fact that my
body won’t do what I want it to do, that it won’t react to all the work I’m
doing, that it won’t let me realize the dream that I have been carrying for so
long, that no matter how much I want it, how much I work, that skin will not
disappear, it won’t go away. I am lucky to have a few girlfriends that totally
understand me and know it’s not a vanity thing. I am lucky to have been able to
open up to my husband and have him hold me and totally understand. I am not
looking for sympathy, it’s not what it’s about, it is about acceptance, learning
to accept reality, learning to love the body I have, learning to make new goals.
I haven’t given up on getting my best physique ever, I
haven’t thrown goal setting away. I have goals, some small, some large, and some
extra-large. This blog was one of them.
I am beautiful, this is my body, it has given me 3
beautiful babies, and carried me at many different weights, I refuse to give up
on it, I will not go backwards, I will continue to move
forward.
When I was a young girl I wanted to be a Social Worker,
this did not pan out, but as I have travelled this journey, it is more and more
apparent to me that I was put here, on this earth to help others, by my
experiences, by my words, by my actions, by the empathy I have for others, by my
opinionated self and my potty mouth when I get too excited. :P
This picture is not easy to share, but it is what a lot
of us look like, and I want you to know that as much as it may suck, it is ok,
you are not alone, we are beautiful, strong, loving, funny, courageous,
ambitious, determined, inspirational, maternal, the list
Learning to love yourself completely is not always easy,
but it is part of the process of change, and it will happen, and it will be amazing.
Be Patient, Be Kind, Believe.